A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. In dating, we may not be talking about trauma like PTSD, but there can still be experiences or words that bring back bad memories. And the thing that causes those memories is a trigger. Chris and Erika share some of their own triggers — some more trivial and some more serious — with listeners.
Our Thoughts & Updates
Ramblings from Chris & Erika about the World of Online Dating
This week, Erika and Chris tackle three questions from both friends and clients. Topics include ghosting, dating after divorce, and the right time to start dating again.
Hand-holding, kissing, other forms of intimacy… there’s a time and a place for all of them. But, when is that time and place? The first date? The third? And which would you prefer to do first — hold hands or smooch? In today’s episode, Erika shares a story about a first date of her own and then introduces a surprise guest. Then, she and Chris discuss how one person’s hierarchy of intimacy may differ from another person’s.
It’s the age-old question: Can men and women be friends? Erika and Chris tackle this question from several angles, sharing stories of both being the “friend” and the person in a relationship with someone who has an opposite-sex friend. None of this is easy, and there are no right and wrong answers, but just the discussion itself should shed some light on what is possible.
Most of us try to make a great first impression, especially when it comes to dating. Sometimes, though, trying to come off as your best self backfires and you end up being someone you don’t want to be. Have you ever accidentally had too much to drink to impress a date? Or, maybe you’ve done something way outside your comfort zone? In this week’s episode, guest Beth shares a personal story, and then Chris and Erika discuss what happens when you try a bit too hard to impress your date.
Perhaps the most important piece of any relationship, whether romantic or not, is how two people communicate. Can you make yourselves vulnerable? Are you comfortable with conflict, knowing that your partner will truly listen? And when you’re in a relationship, do you know how best to communicate your love for each other? In this episode, Erika and Chris break down what these “Love Languages” are and how they apply to your relationships.
Have you ever had someone judge you for something that’s completely not his or her business? Or, maybe someone doesn’t understand your life choices, so rather than asking about them, the default is to put you down or make assumptions? Being different is great. Being judged for being different — not so much. In today’s episode, Erika and Chris each share some stories about how outside judgment has affected their own lives and their relationships.
There’s a rare weather storm, you ate some bad cheese, your child needs to be picked up early… whatever the case is, sometimes a date needs to be cut short, or not happen at all. In the first episode of Season 4, Erika shares a personal story, and then she and Chris discuss the reasons why a date might get interrupted and what to do about it.
Once you enter a relationship, the work is not over. In fact, that’s often just the beginning. This week, Erika and Chris answer clients’ questions on intimacy, moving in, and the age-old question of whether men and women can be friends.
As we are seeing more and more these days, there is not a one-size-fits-all solution to relationships… far from it. While monogamy is generally people’s default, Erika and Chris want to shed some knowledge on other types of relationship structures.
While the podcast often focuses on online dating, in this week’s episode, Erika and Chris talk about offline dating, or meeting people in real life (IRL). How do you know if someone is available? Is it appropriate to approach someone in this climate? Is rejection worse if it’s in person? After sharing their own stories, Erika and Chris drill down on how exactly to ask someone out in the real world.
Why do we want what we can’t have? Does the chase make the outcome sweeter? If we have 10 amazing things (or people) in front of us, why do we focus on the one who’s not there? This week, Chris and Erika each share stories, and Erika covers four theories on why exactly we go for the one we can’t have.
You go to an event. Someone hits on you or otherwise makes you feel “icky.” What do you do? This episode is all about those awkward interactions — how to avoid them in the first place and what to do if you can’t. Guest Claire is back, and, with Erika and Chris, shares a story of her own.
You went on a first date. It was okay. Not great, not terrible, but okay. Do you go on a second date? That’s the question that Erika and Chris try to answer in this episode. In this day and age, with so many options on the dating sites and apps, it’s easy to overlook someone who perhaps doesn’t put out the best first impression. Sometimes nerves are at play. And sometimes it’s just not a match. What criteria should you use to determine wither a second or third date is worth it? Listen to find out.
This week, guest Bob shares an incredible story about his first date, wondering whether some guiding power (beyond the powers of OkCupid) brought him together with his girlfriend. Then, Erika and Chris talk about their views on fate, soulmates, and coincidences. While they don’t see eye-to-eye, each shares in interesting perspective, while sharing stories along the way.
If you have questions about first dates, then this is the episode for you. Erika and Chris delve into clients’ questions and then provide their own answers to your burning questions, like how long a date should last, when to kiss someone, and much more.
Some relationships stand the test of time because you’re happy and can’t wait to see your partner every day. And, unfortunately, some relationships endure for the wrong reasons. It’s difficult to know when to stick it out and when to throw in the towel. Should you move out or have a baby together? Should you trek cross country together or break up? On today’s episode, a guest shares his story of staying in a relationship despite red flags and then Erika and Chris discuss reasons one might stay a bit too long and ways we rationalize making that decision.
Whether you don’t live near each other when you meet or your relationship has to turn into a long-distance one after some time, navigating the circumstance can be tricky. How often will you see each other? Are you exclusive? What’s your primary means of communication? Erika and Chris discuss all of this and more this week, and Erika shares her own attempt at meeting someone from afar.
Relationships are not easy. There’s no denying that. And sometimes once you invest more time and energy, it’s hard to know whether to keep investing or to cut things off if the investment is not showing you returns (i.e. happiness). This week, our guest Wendy shares a very personal story about a relationship that goes longer than it perhaps should, and Erika and Chris discuss the implications.
Have you ever wondered whether men and women really do think differently when it comes to dating? You don’t have to wonder anymore. Erika and Chris break down how truly different their brains are when it comes to dating, both short-term and long-term, and how even the simple concept of attraction can vary. Maybe men really are from Mars and women from Venus… or maybe not.
So many times, people get back out there before they are ready. Maybe it’s because they’re lonely, or maybe they think they should be ready based on some preconceived or arbitrary timeline. The reality is that, just as every relationship is different, the time to heal after every breakup is also different. Erika, Chris, and guest Claire discuss stories about it. Ready or not, here we come.
In this day and age, with technology everywhere we look, it’s easy to forget that people are, well, people. When you set up a date with someone, there’s a real person at the other end of the equation. So, if you don’t show up, it affects both of you. The moral: Don’t stand people up. It’s a terrible thing to do, and it makes your date feel even worse. Erika and Chris both share stories about Bumble dates — poof — not appearing as planned.
Dating is confusing. And in the #MeToo era, it’s even moreso. Not everyone has the same views on the gender roles, if there are any, in dating, yet many feel that someone should simply “know” how to act. In this episode, Chris and Erika, along with a guest, share personal stories highlighting that some stereotypes are meant to be broken and some may be here to stay.
Sometimes even before the first date, things can get confusing. What if you’re not sure how attracted to someone’s profile you are? What if you can’t get over an ex? What if you just don’t even know where to begin? This week, Chris and Erika discuss actual dating questions from Erika’s clients about what to do before the first date.
Is Rover part of your dating life? How about little Whiskers? When it comes to dating, what role should your pet play? Guest Naomi shares her story, and then Erika And Chris each have some furry experiences of their own.
In any relationship, especially long-term, money can be a hot-button topic. What if one partner thinks an occasional splurge is appropriate, and the other doesn’t? Even the word “splurge” is subjective. It’s so important to have aligned expectations about money. Erika and Chris share some personal stories and discuss money’s place in a relationship.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all of our listeners. This week, Erika shares one of her own more memorable Valentine’s Day experiences, and then Chris and Erika discuss how dating can be different — and more stressful — when it’s around a holiday.
You’re on a date. It’s not good. You want out. Is there ever a polite way to extricate yourself from a less-than-ideal date? Or, is it best to see it through? With a story from guest Teddy as their guide, Erika and Chris navigate the waters of bad dates… one text, drink, and embarrassing moment at a time.
Are certain first date topics taboo? Should you get your deal-breakers out of the way early, or should you get to know someone a bit first? This week, we hear a story about religion, marriage equality, and gun rights… all on one date. Then, Erika and Chris talk about how these perhaps no-longer taboo topics can impact the trajectory of a relationship.
What guidelines should we follow when sharing information about ourselves on a first date? Do you cover up your baggage or put it all on the table from the start? And how soon into a relationship should you turn off your dating profiles? Erika and Chris are back with another session of answering your most pressing dating questions.
Online dating is an interesting place where you promote yourself in any way you choose. We hope that people are being honest. Some are, and some aren’t. Today, Chris and Erika discuss what information to share online versus what to wait to reveal in person. Is there one correct answer? No. That’s what makes it tricky.
Sometimes online dating can feel like you’re ordering a pizza. Everything is laid out on a menu in front of you, and all you have to do is select what you want. But, when meeting someone in person, that’s not the case. We are more open-minded and less beholden to our “type.” Does meeting someone offline who doesn’t fit your criteria affect your online behavior? Hear what Erika and Chris have to say about it.
When you’re dating someone new, it’s hard to know how fast (or slow) things should move… sexually. One person might have one idea, and the other may have the opposite idea. Or, maybe one person is adventurous in bed and the other is more conventional. Erika and Chris invite Rachel to share her story and then discuss the intricacies of sex, relationships, “the bases,” and the timing of it all.
Want to know how to move from the dating app to the first date? Or, maybe you’re texting with a potential date, but the planning of the date itself has stalled? Erika and Chris are back with another session of answering your most pressing dating questions.
Getting back out there after a divorce? Have anxiety and fears about it? This week, Erika and Chris discuss what it’s like when someone starts dating again after having been married. And our guest, Tony, shares his awkward experience… and there’s a rose involved.
Tinder got you down? Not getting responses from your Bumble matches? Sick of all of the matches on Hinge who just write “hey there” to you? On this week’s episode, Erika and Chris do a deep dive into the dating apps — everything from what you write in your profile to how to speedily get to the first date. Have dating app questions? This episode is for you.
Cheating. It’s never pleasant. There’s always more to the story. On today’s episode, Erika talks to Natalie about her experience, and then Erika and Chris discuss their takes on the nuances of cheating and relationships.
Want your burning (hopefully not literally!) dating questions answered? In this episode, Erika and Chris tackle some commonly asked dating questions, with both some timely advice and, of course, some crazy stories.
Ghosting — the act of ending a relationship without actually ending it — is bad, and our guest Becca shares her experience. Then, Erika and Chris delve into other modern dating behaviors (and their “interesting” names) and what they mean for all of us.
Manscaping, grooming, a landing strip or a Brazilian. There are so many ways to wear your hair… down there. For the Season 2 premier, Erika and Chris go a little deeper, discussing current trends in the grooming department. Are there norms, preferences, expectations? Episode 19 is all about going public with the pubic.
While Erika and Chris start planning for a new season of the show, we thought you’d enjoy listening to some of the highlights from the last few months. This week, Erika shares some of her favorite moments.
While Erika and Chris start planning for a new season of the show, we thought you’d enjoy listening to some of the highlights from the last few months. This week, Chris shares some of his favorite moments.
No one likes to be interviewed on a date. So what questions should you ask and what questions should never be asked when you begin to date someone new? Chris and Erika take both sides as we hear how the wrong questions can instantly turn someone off, and how the right questions can easily lead to another date.
You sign up for a dating site. You write a profile. You message some people. You plan the date. You assume that your date has read the profile you wrote. This seems like a natural progression, right? Sadly, not always. Erika and Chris each share stories about going on dates where the information they put out there online was blatantly ignored… and both hilarity and a couple bad dates ensued.
How often have you considered giving someone a second chance? Does it work out the second time? When a relationship didn’t work out because of timing, distance or communication issues, we all seem to ponder the question “what if?” Chris shares a story about his 6th grade crush and what happened after multiple chances, then Erika shares a story about a long lost relationship and if people ever really change.
Someone asks you to do something… maybe it’s a drink, maybe a coffee, or maybe a trip to Disneyland. But, it is a date? Erika and Chris discuss how to know whether something is a date or not. Is it the language someone uses when he or she asks? Is it the activity you do? Should we all just be in the dark, or should we just ask, “Is this a date?”
Ah, chivalry. Some people crave it. Some people hate it. Some people don’t even know what it is. Erika and Chris each share stories about chivalry… or lack thereof. Together they discuss if chivalry is about the action, or the motivation? And then they go over some “Chivalry 101” for listeners.
The ability to change is important… but how much can–or should–someone change to be in a relationship? And, on the flipside, how much can–or should–you ask someone to change? Erika and Chris each have a story talking about change. In Erika’s case, there was one quality in a date that she couldn’t flippin’ take anymore! And in Chris’ case, well, a Subway sandwich strikes again.
What should you say or not say over text to a date? How do you handle getting to know someone, arranging a date, or getting flirty? What about those shirtless selfies? Erika starts this episode off with a story about how she dealt with one of those selfies. Then Chris shares a story about receiving a text… one meant for someone else. All of this and more is covered this week as we learn more about textiquette.
How much online “research” is too much… and do you tell the other person you did look them up before your date? Chris starts us off with a story about a woman he looked up before his date and how he navigated the conversation in order to not reveal what information he already knew about her. Erika then shares a story about false impressions we form when we do find information online about someone, before we get to know them in person. Do you research your dates online?
You’re on a first date. The check comes. What happens next? In this episode, Erika and Chris discuss the ins and outs of paying for dates. Who does it? Is there an obligation for the man to pay? How should the woman respond? Erika starts with a story about a latte, a baking dish and more. Then Chris brings us a few stories, about Mexican food and Subway. While you are listening, take a moment to share your opinion on our survey below, and be entered to win a $50 gift card to our favorite sandwich shop. But remember, if you can swing your food, it’s probably not appropriate for dinner.
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Are you ready to have THE talk? Deciding to be exclusive with someone is a critical step in any relationship, especially in the world of online dating where options are limitless. Although there are no set rules on having this discussion, Chris kicks the episode off with a story about how one of his dates asked the day after the first date. Well, at least she asked. Erika shares a story about where the conversation probably should have happened before it did. Listen to the latest episode and share your thoughts in the comments below!
Have you ever gone on a date and the person you meet is not what they look like in their profile picture? Unfortunately, it happens more often than we’d like. The horrors of fake, bad or misleading profile pictures is one of the biggest topics in online dating. So what types of pictures should you use? Which pictures shouldn’t you post? In this episode, Erika and Chris discuss the pros and cons of posting real profile pictures.
Erika starts us off with a story about age and height, and Chris dives into a story about time-stamps on profile pictures. While you listen, here’s a great list of profile picture tips.
- Have at least 3 – 5 pictures of yourself. Any more than 5 you run the risk of turning someone off.
- Always be alone in your pictures. No one wants to play “Where’s Waldo?” with your photos,
and you risk having someone be more attracted to your friend than you.
- Have CURRENT photos, in the last 1 or at most 2 years. They should be recent.
If your pictures are more than 5 years old, get new ones taken.
- Have at least 1 face picture.
- Make sure your pictures are not blurry, small, cropped, edited, photoshopped or anything else
that distracts from what you really look like.
Remember, people are looking to meet the real you, not a made up version of the you, you believe they want.
What are some of your profile picture tips? Share your tips and this week’s podcast with your friends.
This week we discuss when to drink or not to drink on a date. Although some people have a strict no drinking rule, for others, it’s an opportunity to share in an activity both people love. But, can it go too far? Listen as Chris shares another great horror story when his date had a little too much to drink before the date even started. Imagine what you would do if your date went too far at a family restaurant? Then listen as Erika shares a story about a lovely birthday drink. Should cost be considered when ordering drinks?
Whether you love a great glass of wine, or simply need to calm the nerves before a first date, you’ll want to listen to this episode. We look forward to hearing your thoughts. #drunkdates
Have you ever had one of those dates you wanted to bail in the first 10 minutes? Have you ever left a date? Most of us probably have. Whether it’s someone not being who they said they were, not looking like their pictures, or simply being rude, there are dozens of Do’s and Don’ts for first dates.
Erika starts us off with a date she left, when the comedy routine wasn’t that funny. Then Chris lays one out there, a major DON’T you DON’T want to miss. Do you have some great do’s and don’t advice? We’d love to hear about it, so tag us your #dosanddonts on Twitter!
In the meantime, as we discussed on this week’s podcast, enjoy Erika being herself, in all her wonder! Singing at the top of our lungs because we just don’t care! 🙂
Are you ready to talk about Sex baby? Well this is the episode for you. Listen to Erika and Chris discuss sex on the first date, when you should definitely not ask for sex, and how your profile image may send the wrong message. Are you showing a little too much PPC? Subscribe to So, We Met Online and share this episode with a friend. You don’t want to miss it.
The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ghosted someone you were seeing? Join Erika and Chris as they explore the rationales and stories behind one of the most cowardly ways to end a relationship.
Has ghosting become just part of our dating culture now? How has technology impacted the way we communicate and end relationships? Erika shares one of the most awful ghosting stories you’ve heard, while Chris looks at how technology has made our culture more afraid of conflict and simple communication. Let’s be adults here, and learn that telling someone you aren’t interested, is much better than not saying anything at all.
Welcome to So, We Met Online. A new podcast that explores the world of online dating, from the first connection, to intimacy and everything in between. We invite you to register, subscribe and join us each week as we take a humorous look at the challenges, pitfalls and successes of dating in a digital world.
We start off sharing a little bit about ourselves and move into a great story from Chris and a flaming cupcake. Immediately Erika and Chris dive into some great topics about what to share or not to share with someone you have just met, and how fast you should take things. Do you have a 3 date rule? Is there a double standard when it comes to sex? See how that worked out for Chris and his date.
Next Erika shares a story about a repeat offender. This is less about giving someone a second chance, and more about being honest in your attempt. Are dating horror stories just an excuse to avoid online dating? Do you love sushi? Be sure to order a couple of rolls while you sit back and listen to this date gone wrong.
We would love to hear your thoughts. Please share some feedback with us and comment on the episode below!
I had a date several years ago with someone I had met on an online dating site. He was handsome, witty, and intelligent—the trifecta in my book—so we decided to meet for brunch. (As a side note, I generally prefer to have a cocktail with someone on a first date, and that’s what I advise my clients, but, if we’re being honest here, I couldn’t resist the bacon biscuits… don’t tell my rabbi.)
When I walked in, I found my date immediately. He looked like his photos… so far, so good! (It’s a low bar, I know.) He stood up to greet me, but when he was standing, I noticed that he and I were looking directly into each other’s eyes. I’m only 5’1, and height is actually not something that I care about when searching for a partner. But, it wasn’t his height that bothered me… it was the fact that he had lied about it.
Most people would secretly judge the guy for lying and pretend like it didn’t happen… until they tell their friends later. I’m not most people. Given that I’m the honest (blunt?) person that I am, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” He replied, “Well, I’m 5’5.” The next thing out of my mouth was, “Okay, you’re not 5’5 either, but why would you lie?” It’s not like I wasn’t going to find out!
Giving him the benefit of the doubt (remember, there’s bacon involved…), I stayed to have a surprisingly nice banter with him. At one point in the conversation when we were discussing our families, I innocently asked if he had any children of his own since I knew he had been married before. Before he responded, he awkwardly looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you.” That’s never a good sign. He then proceeded to tell me that, instead of the 39 years old he listed on the dating site, he was actually… wait for it… 45. He told me this because he has a 19-year-old son, and he figured I might be suspicious.
He had lied by six years, which is not a small number, presumably to get dates with women in their early 30s, as I was. Perhaps he hadn’t been caught before, or perhaps no one was as up front about her distaste for liars as I was, but he sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that he was wasting my time.
Earlier this year, the New York Times featured a story about a lovely-looking couple in the wedding section titled “Stretching the Truth to Find Love Online.” The article commented on how the groom, 5’5, had fudged his height to 5’8 to get more profile views. While I can’t agree with it, I, of course, am not blind to his rationale. Women often make an arbitrary cut-off of anything below 5’8… or 5’10… or 6’2. For men’s sake, I wish that being tall wasn’t equated with being attractive for so many. Would I be tempted to lie if I there were something about me that I knew many men weren’t inclined to go for? I’d be, well, lying if I said no. But, that doesn’t make it right.
People lie for all different reasons: they want to date younger or older, they have an aspirational weight that they like to believe they are, they want to appear more financially successful. When it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get the date. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything. Everyone has that “thing” that holds them back or is perceived as a red flag to others: height, weight, age, religion, race, level of education, etc. I would have encouraged the groom in the article to write to anyone he wanted, even if her height minimum was taller than his stature, but to be up front about it. He was trying to come up in people’s searches, when a lot of the success in online dating actually comes from who you pursue.
Here’s the thing: People prefer to cite a one-off story like the one of this couple and use it as a precedent to condone lying—and do it themselves—rather than the hundreds of stories like mine where the lie, or lies, far outweigh the desire to see the person behind the lies. A male client who I found out was lying about his age online—subtracting five years from his age of 67—rationalized his behavior by saying, “Everyone lies.” First, that’s not true. Second, if everyone went around robbing banks, does that give you the go-ahead to rob a bank, too? I don’t need to answer that.
I’m thrilled that things worked out for this couple. In the end, though, lying, especially about something that will become apparent the minute someone meets you, generally only bites you in the behind. While you and your date may get along, you got the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. And we know most people are us online stalking us anyway, so it’s best to stick to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.