Our Thoughts & Updates

Ramblings from Chris & Erika about the World of Online Dating

This week we discuss when to drink or not to drink on a date. Although some people have a strict no drinking rule, for others, it’s an opportunity to share in an activity both people love. But, can it go too far? Listen as Chris shares another great horror story when his date had a little too much to drink before the date even started. Imagine what you would do if your date went too far at a family restaurant? Then listen as Erika shares a story about a lovely birthday drink. Should cost be considered when ordering drinks?

Whether you love a great glass of wine, or simply need to calm the nerves before a first date, you’ll want to listen to this episode. We look forward to hearing your thoughts. #drunkdates

Have you ever had one of those dates you wanted to bail in the first 10 minutes? Have you ever left a date? Most of us probably have. Whether it’s someone not being who they said they were, not looking like their pictures, or simply being rude, there are dozens of Do’s and Don’ts for first dates.

Erika starts us off with a date she left, when the comedy routine wasn’t that funny. Then Chris lays one out there, a major DON’T you DON’T want to miss. Do you have some great do’s and don’t advice? We’d love to hear about it, so tag us your #dosanddonts on Twitter!

In the meantime, as we discussed on this week’s podcast, enjoy Erika being herself, in all her wonder! Singing at the top of our lungs because we just don’t care!  🙂

 

Are you ready to talk about Sex baby? Well this is the episode for you. Listen to Erika and Chris discuss sex on the first date, when you should definitely not ask for sex, and how your profile image may send the wrong message. Are you showing a little too much PPC? Subscribe to So, We Met Online and share this episode with a friend. You don’t want to miss it.

ghost·ing ˈɡōstiNG/ (noun)
The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ghosted someone you were seeing? Join Erika and Chris as they explore the rationales and stories behind one of the most cowardly ways to end a relationship.
Has ghosting become just part of our dating culture now? How has technology impacted the way we communicate and end relationships? Erika shares one of the most awful ghosting stories you’ve heard, while Chris looks at how technology has made our culture more afraid of conflict and simple communication. Let’s be adults here, and learn that telling someone you aren’t interested, is much better than not saying anything at all.

Welcome to So, We Met Online. A new podcast that explores the world of online dating, from the first connection, to intimacy and everything in between. We invite you to register, subscribe and join us each week as we take a humorous look at the challenges, pitfalls and successes of dating in a digital world.

We start off sharing a little bit about ourselves and move into a great story from Chris and a flaming cupcake. Immediately Erika and Chris dive into some great topics about what to share or not to share with someone you have just met, and how fast you should take things. Do you have a 3 date rule? Is there a double standard when it comes to sex? See how that worked out for Chris and his date.

Next Erika shares a story about a repeat offender. This is less about giving someone a second chance, and more about being honest in your attempt. Are dating horror stories just an excuse to avoid online dating? Do you love sushi? Be sure to order a couple of rolls while you sit back and listen to this date gone wrong.

We would love to hear your thoughts. Please share some feedback with us and comment on the episode below!

I had a date several years ago with someone I had met on an online dating site. He was handsome, witty, and intelligent—the trifecta in my book—so we decided to meet for brunch. (As a side note, I generally prefer to have a cocktail with someone on a first date, and that’s what I advise my clients, but, if we’re being honest here, I couldn’t resist the bacon biscuits… don’t tell my rabbi.)

When I walked in, I found my date immediately. He looked like his photos… so far, so good! (It’s a low bar, I know.) He stood up to greet me, but when he was standing, I noticed that he and I were looking directly into each other’s eyes. I’m only 5’1, and height is actually not something that I care about when searching for a partner. But, it wasn’t his height that bothered me… it was the fact that he had lied about it.

Most people would secretly judge the guy for lying and pretend like it didn’t happen… until they tell their friends later. I’m not most people. Given that I’m the honest (blunt?) person that I am, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” He replied, “Well, I’m 5’5.” The next thing out of my mouth was, “Okay, you’re not 5’5 either, but why would you lie?” It’s not like I wasn’t going to find out!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (remember, there’s bacon involved…), I stayed to have a surprisingly nice banter with him. At one point in the conversation when we were discussing our families, I innocently asked if he had any children of his own since I knew he had been married before. Before he responded, he awkwardly looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you.” That’s never a good sign. He then proceeded to tell me that, instead of the 39 years old he listed on the dating site, he was actually… wait for it… 45. He told me this because he has a 19-year-old son, and he figured I might be suspicious.

He had lied by six years, which is not a small number, presumably to get dates with women in their early 30s, as I was. Perhaps he hadn’t been caught before, or perhaps no one was as up front about her distaste for liars as I was, but he sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that he was wasting my time.

Earlier this year, the New York Times featured a story about a lovely-looking couple in the wedding section titled “Stretching the Truth to Find Love Online.” The article commented on how the groom, 5’5, had fudged his height to 5’8 to get more profile views. While I can’t agree with it, I, of course, am not blind to his rationale. Women often make an arbitrary cut-off of anything below 5’8… or 5’10… or 6’2. For men’s sake, I wish that being tall wasn’t equated with being attractive for so many. Would I be tempted to lie if I there were something about me that I knew many men weren’t inclined to go for? I’d be, well, lying if I said no. But, that doesn’t make it right.

People lie for all different reasons: they want to date younger or older, they have an aspirational weight that they like to believe they are, they want to appear more financially successful. When it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get the date. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything. Everyone has that “thing” that holds them back or is perceived as a red flag to others: height, weight, age, religion, race, level of education, etc. I would have encouraged the groom in the article to write to anyone he wanted, even if her height minimum was taller than his stature, but to be up front about it. He was trying to come up in people’s searches, when a lot of the success in online dating actually comes from who you pursue.

Here’s the thing: People prefer to cite a one-off story like the one of this couple and use it as a precedent to condone lying—and do it themselves—rather than the hundreds of stories like mine where the lie, or lies, far outweigh the desire to see the person behind the lies. A male client who I found out was lying about his age online—subtracting five years from his age of 67—rationalized his behavior by saying, “Everyone lies.” First, that’s not true. Second, if everyone went around robbing banks, does that give you the go-ahead to rob a bank, too? I don’t need to answer that.

I’m thrilled that things worked out for this couple. In the end, though, lying, especially about something that will become apparent the minute someone meets you, generally only bites you in the behind. While you and your date may get along, you got the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. And we know most people are us online stalking us anyway, so it’s best to stick to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.